i'm taking a fucking break, OK? » life sucks

jed’s statement

zenfishing — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 03:29:42 +0000

I am going to post this here, I think I may keep it available to the world. Jed is a wonderful person, who had a fatal accident, after drinking and driving, with another drunk driver. He survived, the other driver did not. And a second person was also killed. So here it is, and this will be the last thing I ever post about the tragedy

July 20, 2010
New London, CT

I cannot begin to express the true depths of shame and remorse that I feel for the morning of May 24, 2009. The past decade of my life has been fraught with irresponsible behavior and poor decisions, but I have always sought to treat everyone kindly and with fairness. However I have failed to realize the far-reaching and disastrous results my actions could have, and now the ultimate result of those actions is the deaths of two young people, Josh and Danielle. I would give anything to take that morning back, but that cannot be done. I think that the best that I can do, at the moment is to strive to become a better man by acting in a more responsible manner, and making the right choices in life. I vow to do this so that I can become a positive and empowering presence in the lives of those around me.

I would like to start by apologizing to my family. I’m sorry to have been a source of such pain and stress in the past 14 months. You have plenty else to worry about in your lives, and you didn’t need an extra burden on your minds. It pains me greatly to have brought that upon you. Despite that you have been extremely supportive of me, as you always have been. I count myself lucky to be a part of such a close, loving and understanding family. One thing I have learned during this time is how good you truly are to me, and how appreciative I am of you. I promise to let you know that more frequently from now on.

Most importantly I need to apologize to the families of Josh and Danielle. I have never been more afraid of anything in my life than I am of facing you, because I am incredibly ashamed of what happened, and I know that you must hate me. I do not expect your forgiveness, nor do I believe that I deserve it. This experience has taught me the incredible importance of family, and I have participated in inflicting a wound on yours that may never heal. I hope that you will find strength , and in time you will have some relief from the pain that has been brought upon you. I trust that the legacies of your loved ones will be ones of joy, happiness and most of all love. Again, I am deeply sorry for what has happened.

The greatest source of shame and remorse for me is for Danielle’s child. Because of my stupidity and irresponsibility you have to grow up without a mother, and I am extremely sorry. I know that your family will come together to give you the best future possible. I hope that you can learn from my mistakes and you will make the right choices in life so that you can grow up to be a good and responsible person. A person that people will look to when they need a strong and positive person when they need it the most. I’m sorry and I wish you the best of luck.

My mental and emotional anguish during this time surely pales in comparison to that of those who love Danielle and Josh. I feel that something in me was lost that morning that will never come back, and I know that others in this courtroom feel the same about themselves. For that, I;m not sure I can ever be forgiven, but in time everyone who was hurt by this tragedy can find some strength and peace.

the day is done

zenfishing — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 03:16:50 +0000

well, it’s over. Jed was sentenced. a hard day, but not as bad as i had prepared for. he gave a very eloquent statement. I was proud of him. he is my little buddha. and i know he will come out of all of this as still being Jed. so with that, i am going to end this chapter. the press has already put the story on the archives, not much discussion on it, and there was no media circus there today. close the door.

a july sunday

zenfishing — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 00:07:45 +0000

Went to one of Mike’s old friend’s annual party today. Avoided going last year, due to CO trip. Year before I was “ill”. Just usually do not like hanging around a patio, with NO ONE I know. I’m not one to make small talk with people I do not know. Especially now. and probably for a year after the sentencing. I did do some socializing, I was proud of myself for what I did. But I felt very uncomfortable when subject came to kids. Most of the young adults were Jed’s age, and they have families already. grand babies. what do I have? 2 kids in fucking jail. One for being stupid and driving drunk and getting into n accident. That I have to pay for with my life.
When I got home, I just quickly laid down in bed, looked out the window and it looked beautiful outside. I wondered when Jed would be able to just be able to sit and look out a window again. Without razorwire, without bars. My heart so much aches for him. It wasn’t all his fault. If the other driver had been sober, it probably would not have happened at all. I feel like I was in that car. More than a year later, I am crying. I cannot snap out of this. Maybe it will get better when I can visit him in a more normal jail. Maybe when Lauren is out of jail and able to just help me get through all of this. I don’t know. I am getting more and more depressed. Not only about all of this, but with business and the lack of. the scraping by every month to barely make it. I don’t want to continue to live like this. it is getting really old.
I do have a few things that I am going to try to snap out of my funk. I realized last month that I was not doing things that used to make me happy. Bike riding, photography, fishing. the three passions I have in life. So the first thing I am going to do is to gather all my photo stuff, the years of pictures, the equipment etc, all in one place and sort thru it and re-kindle the passion. Meanwhile I hope to be able to spare some gas every week to take my bike to the forest and do a ride. Maybe twice a week. We’ll see. I set a goal of when I get to 170lbs I’ll start shopping for a new road bike. Meantime I ride the trek, and see if I can trick out the track bike with some cheap parts. gotta see if I can somehow find Roy and see if I can get some parts off of him. we’ll see… never know.
So, yeah. sometime this week I have to go up to Granby. I am going to have to go up more often. that sucks too. yeah they are my parents. but it is so hard to just sit there. listen to them fight with each other, above the blaring TV. I so much want them to just move from there. they are so isolated. but anyway… time to sort a bag full of photos. have to find my Chinon camera also. it is proving to be elusive.
yeah.

strange emptiness

zenfishing — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 14:54:29 +0000

the past few months of his life, due to his not being able to get up the stairs, i had to leave him downstairs in the first floor office. At night I would often think if he was lonely, and sometimes go back downstairs to check on him and give him one last jaunt outside for the night. I was in the kitchen last night, looking outside, and wondered if he was lonely, then remembered he was no longer there. Then this morning as I got up, bedroom is right above office. I would always be quiet since if I made alot of shuffling, he would hear, and get excited. Getting excited for him in the last few months, meant he started to pee. and not in one place, he walked around. Used to happen upstairs here on the carpet, the “trails” everywhere. If I made alot of noise, I would have to go downstairs right away, before getting dressed, and let him out. Yes, in the cold of winter I often had to run downstairs and let him out in a bathrobe. Just so he did not pee on the hardwood and carpet downstairs. Do I miss doing that? The getting out of bed and immediately running downstairs to let him out? Not really. Yes, in a way. Oh, I don’t know. I am still so sad.

my buddy

zenfishing — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 01:22:33 +0000

I can’t really write all that much now, I am still crying. We had to put Pounder to sleep today. Vet said it was time. That protrusion on his ass was a tumor. It suddenly appeared I think it was in November. He had been pooping with difficulty for a bit, especially after he refused to eat dog food anymore this summer. He’d walk around pooping as he went. I guess the tumor was blocking him. And the indignity of having to have us wipe his butt every time I know bothered him. Mike took him in. I had brought him upstairs for a bit before that, to eat and be there. I knew he was not going to come home, even though that was not planned. He had run around like a little puppy, tossing his bone, and even eating a couple biscuits. But it was time. I washed his face, he had weepy eyes, and kissed him, I knew he was taking his last car ride. I can’t stop crying. he was my buddy, friend, confidant. He sat by my side when I spent a week crying after Jed’s accident. He always was happy to see me. Even this morning, when I went downstairs, he got up slowly and was smiling at me saying “hi mom good morning, I gotta go pee.”

damn. When is all of this pain going to stop? when?

kids, dog, parents. I want it to stop.
Now I have to tell the kids.

part deux, where I go fucking insane

zenfishing — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 14:26:13 +0000

not really

Lauren is adjusting, her calls go from a rant on how horrible everything is (well, it is prison, what did she expect? La-la land?) to being OK. Monday she called, and i listened to 14 minutes of her non-stop bitching, and one minute of “oh I am sorry, how are you, well I am hating this” . Then on Wednesday she called again and a totally different person and conversation. But enough time writing on the emotional drain that my DD can be.

Jed was moved to a new block, and he was able to call last night. He is doing much better, has a roomie that is cleaner and does not snore. He gets a better rec time, and the people in the block are more “normal” and not basket cases like the intensive care he was in. He sounded so much better.

His case took a turn last month, there is “new” evidence and I am not sure what happened, but it may very well get the charges dropped. His lawyer seems to think that after the tests which are the new evidence, is in, he may get lower charges. Anything please lord. Jed has said from the start, even the day when he called about the accident, that the other car ran the light. He now does not even remember that being said to me, but I remember it clearly. Chances are that is very true. If it is, next year he may be home. If it is not true, then it will be probably another 9 years before he is home. Which sucks but it is what we are all prepared for. I am not getting my hopes up, but it does sound good. Can’t go into it specifically, but, maybe there is a god after all. And that he does let truth and justice prevail. But I deep down doubt it. I can pray for a million things, but I never ever believe that anything will change on this.

I only ask one question a lot. What the fuck did I do to deserve this crap? Jed is a good person. Yeah, I know it is an age old question, why do bad things happen to good people. the bible thumpers think that by praying about it, it can change. It ain’t going to fucking change things. If praying does change things, I’ll fucking become religious. Chances of that…. 0.

anyway. rant over.
Lord, if you are truly a just, omnipotent ruler of the world, Jed does not deserve to be in jail, it was not his fault totally. The other driver was drunk too and has to shoulder his part of the blame. He was no saint. There were also drugs in his system. Not in Jed’s, he does not do drugs of any sort. So let’s get this evidence thing cleared. Feb 3rd is next court. I need some rest from this. Please.

notes on a life, part ummmm whatever.

zenfishing — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 14:06:19 +0000

my life
some days it really sucks to be a mom. no really. yes really.
Lauren is in York for 258 more days. Sentenced for her 2 DUI arrests and one driving without a license, on Dec. 8. 9 months. I finally got to see her yesterday, she was in medical until this past Sunday, probably longer than expected. that is 23.5 hour lockdown. She called twice and we talked. She went to general population Monday morning, right when they went to their thrice yearly week-long lockdown for clearing out the contraband. that is 24 hours a day lockdown. It ended I guess Thursday night. Lockdown means, no showers, no seeing sunlight. I saw her yesterday, on my pre-approval courtesy visit. She did nothing but bitch and complain about how horrible it was, how filthy dirty it was. I’ve heard before that York was a dirty prison. They’ve been cited by the state for mold. heck, you have a jail by the ocean, in a bay that gets horrendous humidity all year, and you don’t expect to have to maintain the mold? They say it has been remediated. I doubt it, and Lauren has a severe mold allergy. She’ll be sick the entire 9 months I guarantee.
She looked OK, but was the pissed off sober Lauren. I can handle that. smile and nod my head. Just that in the past, the pissed off Lauren who was sober, or trying to remain sober, would spin herself up so much over little things, anything really, and then drink. She can’t here, so maybe, I pray, she learns how to deal with the angry pissed off at the world Lauren.
It is going to snow alot here in a while, I have tons of things yet to do for christmas dinner. I have to go get more saurkraut for the pierogis. and farmers cheese. and a few more gifts, but the dinner comes first. so I guess the rest of “what’s happening” will have to wait for a part two.
Oh, and if you drink at all, please never ever drive afterwards. Being arrested is the least of your problems. The pain that you cause the rest of your family is indescribable. It ain’t all about you.

tears and farts

zenfishing — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:17:36 +0000

Sitting in the office, getting a bunch of tedious type work done. Dog is back down here with me. Farting. So lovely.

I cried alot yesterday. I got overwhelmed with everything that has been going on for, oh, perhaps the past year. With Jed in jail perhaps for 5 years, I have this hole in my heart. I cannot touch him, hug him. With Lauren and her drinking, and now going to jail for 9 months, it is another hole. and the shame, the shame of having two grwon adult children, neither who are criminals, in jail like criminals. Why? they have a drinking problem, inheritied from their father, and for that I thank him every day with a robust fuck you frank. Yeah. They could not see the problem. They could not see their similarity to thier father and his problem. No, it would not happen to them. well, the worst thing possible happened to Jed. He killed two people. Yeah. He KILLED two people and for that I am so ashamed and so mortified and so sorry that I ever even met Frank. Now we have to deal with this for the rest of OUR lives as well as knowing that there are two other families who suffer even more by not having their son and daughter with them anymore. And I am not dealing with it at all well. So now I need to go spend money on getting some counselling since I am fuckng tired of crying all the time. I want to get back to my life thank you. But NOOOOOOOO my stupid drunk children make me suffer through dealing with their choices. And yes, it is their CHOICE to drink. They know the facts, they know what is a bit and what is too much, yet they cannot make the right choice. I guess I fucking failed them as a monther. Oh well, too fucking bad. wah wah. but still I have to deal with the fact that Jed is a killer and Lauren is a nasty drunk. She will never sober. Jed might, but Lauren likes the attention. So she will never sober up. She’ll die from it, probably way too early. And then again, I have more crap to deal with. She got drunk last night and I was up until 3am. I am telling her that she cannot come back to this house after she gets out of jail. Period. She can go make someone else suffer. Time for her to grow the fuck up.

And a fine day it is

zenfishing — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 14:32:06 +0000

After the emotions of ted kennedy’s funeral stuff yesterday, the week’s emotions of mom and dad, of Lauren, and finally for me a coming to grips with Jed’s reality that it is going to probably be a long time before I can even get a picture of him let alone a hug from him, today already seems like it will be a void of any feeling day. Of course it is pretty early still, drama queen has not woken, if she is even here. But I feel totally spent. In a few days Lauren will be off to jail, and I can have a rest from that drama, no more yelling on the phone tirades at whomever, no more walking on eggshells so she did not turn that tirade towards me, no more worry if she is going to go off on a drunk. It will be like a vacation. Hell, I may even find my sanity somewhere. So I will sit here and enjoy the rest of the morning, yeah, enjoy is not quite the word. Endure? Well Mike is in NJ, so no enduring him. Endure me? Yah.
On the road, somewhere.
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Posted via email from zenfishing’s envisionages of delightful thoughts and sorrowful realities or how I learned to love my film camera once again.

a day in the life of me: today was court for jed

zenfishing — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 21:43:27 +0000

His case has been continued until August 4th. Jed was there in the court for under 5 minutes. He has his “little” beard and his hair at it’s proper length, short short short. He looked around when he was taken out, he was still in shackles. That part hurts. But when he looked around he nodded and half smiled and waved the best he could. His aunts were there, Claire, Jude, Kathy, and his cousin KC, friends Shane and Bob. dad and me. He looked much better than last time, but then again last time I was in a fog still. shit would have looked good.
This morning I had a call from the corrections dept. I have been “approved” for visitation. fucking finally. I have no idea what took them so long, 5 fucking weeks to approve someone who has never been arrested in her life, to see her son, who has only been charged with DUI. Assholes. So tomorrow I will head out to where ever he is at, and visit my son.
God I miss him so much. It still comes in waves, the crying the resentment the anger the wondering what I did wrong to deserve this. I am wondering if it will ever end. Yes, he is alive, and two people are not, and I cannot imagine their grief if I feel this way for my son. It is so horrible to even go to that place. Jed is still alive, although he will never be whole again. He’ll never be the person he was, and there is nothing that I can do to change that, to make it better, to put a bandaid on it and kiss the boo-boo. I feel so powerless. If I had known the sorrow that children can bring, I would have declined. Yes they can bring great joy, but the sorrow is so much more real.
Next is Lauren’s court stuff and her deal. I am not wanting to go thru that also. Man, when do I get time for ME?