the past few months of his life, due to his not being able to get up the stairs, i had to leave him downstairs in the first floor office. At night I would often think if he was lonely, and sometimes go back downstairs to check on him and give him one last jaunt outside for the night. I was in the kitchen last night, looking outside, and wondered if he was lonely, then remembered he was no longer there. Then this morning as I got up, bedroom is right above office. I would always be quiet since if I made alot of shuffling, he would hear, and get excited. Getting excited for him in the last few months, meant he started to pee. and not in one place, he walked around. Used to happen upstairs here on the carpet, the “trails” everywhere. If I made alot of noise, I would have to go downstairs right away, before getting dressed, and let him out. Yes, in the cold of winter I often had to run downstairs and let him out in a bathrobe. Just so he did not pee on the hardwood and carpet downstairs. Do I miss doing that? The getting out of bed and immediately running downstairs to let him out? Not really. Yes, in a way. Oh, I don’t know. I am still so sad.

I can’t really write all that much now, I am still crying. We had to put Pounder to sleep today. Vet said it was time. That protrusion on his ass was a tumor. It suddenly appeared I think it was in November. He had been pooping with difficulty for a bit, especially after he refused to eat dog food anymore this summer. He’d walk around pooping as he went. I guess the tumor was blocking him. And the indignity of having to have us wipe his butt every time I know bothered him. Mike took him in. I had brought him upstairs for a bit before that, to eat and be there. I knew he was not going to come home, even though that was not planned. He had run around like a little puppy, tossing his bone, and even eating a couple biscuits. But it was time. I washed his face, he had weepy eyes, and kissed him, I knew he was taking his last car ride. I can’t stop crying. he was my buddy, friend, confidant. He sat by my side when I spent a week crying after Jed’s accident. He always was happy to see me. Even this morning, when I went downstairs, he got up slowly and was smiling at me saying “hi mom good morning, I gotta go pee.”

damn. When is all of this pain going to stop? when?

kids, dog, parents. I want it to stop.
Now I have to tell the kids.

not really

Lauren is adjusting, her calls go from a rant on how horrible everything is (well, it is prison, what did she expect? La-la land?) to being OK. Monday she called, and i listened to 14 minutes of her non-stop bitching, and one minute of “oh I am sorry, how are you, well I am hating this” . Then on Wednesday she called again and a totally different person and conversation. But enough time writing on the emotional drain that my DD can be.

Jed was moved to a new block, and he was able to call last night. He is doing much better, has a roomie that is cleaner and does not snore. He gets a better rec time, and the people in the block are more “normal” and not basket cases like the intensive care he was in. He sounded so much better.

His case took a turn last month, there is “new” evidence and I am not sure what happened, but it may very well get the charges dropped. His lawyer seems to think that after the tests which are the new evidence, is in, he may get lower charges. Anything please lord. Jed has said from the start, even the day when he called about the accident, that the other car ran the light. He now does not even remember that being said to me, but I remember it clearly. Chances are that is very true. If it is, next year he may be home. If it is not true, then it will be probably another 9 years before he is home. Which sucks but it is what we are all prepared for. I am not getting my hopes up, but it does sound good. Can’t go into it specifically, but, maybe there is a god after all. And that he does let truth and justice prevail. But I deep down doubt it. I can pray for a million things, but I never ever believe that anything will change on this.

I only ask one question a lot. What the fuck did I do to deserve this crap? Jed is a good person. Yeah, I know it is an age old question, why do bad things happen to good people. the bible thumpers think that by praying about it, it can change. It ain’t going to fucking change things. If praying does change things, I’ll fucking become religious. Chances of that…. 0.

anyway. rant over.
Lord, if you are truly a just, omnipotent ruler of the world, Jed does not deserve to be in jail, it was not his fault totally. The other driver was drunk too and has to shoulder his part of the blame. He was no saint. There were also drugs in his system. Not in Jed’s, he does not do drugs of any sort. So let’s get this evidence thing cleared. Feb 3rd is next court. I need some rest from this. Please.

my life
some days it really sucks to be a mom. no really. yes really.
Lauren is in York for 258 more days. Sentenced for her 2 DUI arrests and one driving without a license, on Dec. 8. 9 months. I finally got to see her yesterday, she was in medical until this past Sunday, probably longer than expected. that is 23.5 hour lockdown. She called twice and we talked. She went to general population Monday morning, right when they went to their thrice yearly week-long lockdown for clearing out the contraband. that is 24 hours a day lockdown. It ended I guess Thursday night. Lockdown means, no showers, no seeing sunlight. I saw her yesterday, on my pre-approval courtesy visit. She did nothing but bitch and complain about how horrible it was, how filthy dirty it was. I’ve heard before that York was a dirty prison. They’ve been cited by the state for mold. heck, you have a jail by the ocean, in a bay that gets horrendous humidity all year, and you don’t expect to have to maintain the mold? They say it has been remediated. I doubt it, and Lauren has a severe mold allergy. She’ll be sick the entire 9 months I guarantee.
She looked OK, but was the pissed off sober Lauren. I can handle that. smile and nod my head. Just that in the past, the pissed off Lauren who was sober, or trying to remain sober, would spin herself up so much over little things, anything really, and then drink. She can’t here, so maybe, I pray, she learns how to deal with the angry pissed off at the world Lauren.
It is going to snow alot here in a while, I have tons of things yet to do for christmas dinner. I have to go get more saurkraut for the pierogis. and farmers cheese. and a few more gifts, but the dinner comes first. so I guess the rest of “what’s happening” will have to wait for a part two.
Oh, and if you drink at all, please never ever drive afterwards. Being arrested is the least of your problems. The pain that you cause the rest of your family is indescribable. It ain’t all about you.

Sitting in the office, getting a bunch of tedious type work done. Dog is back down here with me. Farting. So lovely.

I cried alot yesterday. I got overwhelmed with everything that has been going on for, oh, perhaps the past year. With Jed in jail perhaps for 5 years, I have this hole in my heart. I cannot touch him, hug him. With Lauren and her drinking, and now going to jail for 9 months, it is another hole. and the shame, the shame of having two grwon adult children, neither who are criminals, in jail like criminals. Why? they have a drinking problem, inheritied from their father, and for that I thank him every day with a robust fuck you frank. Yeah. They could not see the problem. They could not see their similarity to thier father and his problem. No, it would not happen to them. well, the worst thing possible happened to Jed. He killed two people. Yeah. He KILLED two people and for that I am so ashamed and so mortified and so sorry that I ever even met Frank. Now we have to deal with this for the rest of OUR lives as well as knowing that there are two other families who suffer even more by not having their son and daughter with them anymore. And I am not dealing with it at all well. So now I need to go spend money on getting some counselling since I am fuckng tired of crying all the time. I want to get back to my life thank you. But NOOOOOOOO my stupid drunk children make me suffer through dealing with their choices. And yes, it is their CHOICE to drink. They know the facts, they know what is a bit and what is too much, yet they cannot make the right choice. I guess I fucking failed them as a monther. Oh well, too fucking bad. wah wah. but still I have to deal with the fact that Jed is a killer and Lauren is a nasty drunk. She will never sober. Jed might, but Lauren likes the attention. So she will never sober up. She’ll die from it, probably way too early. And then again, I have more crap to deal with. She got drunk last night and I was up until 3am. I am telling her that she cannot come back to this house after she gets out of jail. Period. She can go make someone else suffer. Time for her to grow the fuck up.

After the emotions of ted kennedy’s funeral stuff yesterday, the week’s emotions of mom and dad, of Lauren, and finally for me a coming to grips with Jed’s reality that it is going to probably be a long time before I can even get a picture of him let alone a hug from him, today already seems like it will be a void of any feeling day. Of course it is pretty early still, drama queen has not woken, if she is even here. But I feel totally spent. In a few days Lauren will be off to jail, and I can have a rest from that drama, no more yelling on the phone tirades at whomever, no more walking on eggshells so she did not turn that tirade towards me, no more worry if she is going to go off on a drunk. It will be like a vacation. Hell, I may even find my sanity somewhere. So I will sit here and enjoy the rest of the morning, yeah, enjoy is not quite the word. Endure? Well Mike is in NJ, so no enduring him. Endure me? Yah.
On the road, somewhere.
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Posted via email from zenfishing’s envisionages of delightful thoughts and sorrowful realities or how I learned to love my film camera once again.

His case has been continued until August 4th. Jed was there in the court for under 5 minutes. He has his “little” beard and his hair at it’s proper length, short short short. He looked around when he was taken out, he was still in shackles. That part hurts. But when he looked around he nodded and half smiled and waved the best he could. His aunts were there, Claire, Jude, Kathy, and his cousin KC, friends Shane and Bob. dad and me. He looked much better than last time, but then again last time I was in a fog still. shit would have looked good.
This morning I had a call from the corrections dept. I have been “approved” for visitation. fucking finally. I have no idea what took them so long, 5 fucking weeks to approve someone who has never been arrested in her life, to see her son, who has only been charged with DUI. Assholes. So tomorrow I will head out to where ever he is at, and visit my son.
God I miss him so much. It still comes in waves, the crying the resentment the anger the wondering what I did wrong to deserve this. I am wondering if it will ever end. Yes, he is alive, and two people are not, and I cannot imagine their grief if I feel this way for my son. It is so horrible to even go to that place. Jed is still alive, although he will never be whole again. He’ll never be the person he was, and there is nothing that I can do to change that, to make it better, to put a bandaid on it and kiss the boo-boo. I feel so powerless. If I had known the sorrow that children can bring, I would have declined. Yes they can bring great joy, but the sorrow is so much more real.
Next is Lauren’s court stuff and her deal. I am not wanting to go thru that also. Man, when do I get time for ME?

it’s tough. I used to be able to text Jed and “talk” to him. Can’t do that now.
it’s tough. Lauren and him have not gone more than a few days without talking, even when they are pissed at each other. She misses hi fiercely. She graduated from OIC Friday night. He could not see it. Yet, he has not been charged with anything but DUI and that bail is usually 10,000 and we would have him bailed out by now. He may never be charged with anything more. But his bail sits at 500,000.
Absurd.
He is not going anywhere, he is not going to go out and do anything like this again, yet he is being held with the bond of a murderer, when all he had was an accident. They ran a blinking red light. That means stop. Like a stop sign. Wait until it is clear to go. They didn’t. Girl in back seat who was killed, was half naked. Jed has to sit in a jail as a top level criminal. His bail is not something that we can afford ever. It hurts. it hurts so deep. I think of him constantly. every second I wonder what he is doing, if he is OK, if he is getting along with others. He was put out into general population on friday or saturday. He’ll be moved back here soon, for his next trial date in 2 weeks. It hurts. I write him every day. even if I have nothing to say, I find something. it hurts.

but not as much as it will hurt when Lauren goes to jail. It’s different with her. She knowingly drove after drinking and without a license. got caught again on Monday. she got out with no bail, the cops felt sorry for her. they know her that well. she was stupid and drunk. and stupid. in a few months I’ll have more letters to write and more visits to make to a jail. This is even more hurtful.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I am a good person. I have not harmed a soul ever. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. This so totally sucks. So much.

I was going to start a new blog just for the change in my life, but decided that this blog has been around for so long, it fit here.

My life was changed by my son on May 24. He drank, got into his truck and like so many times before, was driving home. Except this time he did not make it home. Another car ran a red light or so he says, and he hit it. Two people died, the other driver was one of them. So now my son sits in Garner correctional institute. A mental health jail. Despondant over the accident. Not yet accused of 2 counts of vehicular manslaughter. Investigation has not concluded. However, it looks like they will bring the charges when he goes back to court June 30. He has the very best DUI lawyer out there. Costing his father 35K.

Those are the facts.

It comes and goes, the crying the pain, the hurt, the sorrow. The “why my baby”. He is a good person. He would not intentionally hurt a fly. I pray to god every night that they find that the other driver was intoxicated as well, thus no final blame. But Jed will always blame himself. He is that type of person. It has already changed his entire life, and not for the better. He will no longer be the same person. If he is not charged, it will be at least a year before he is out of jail. If he is charged and a deal is reached, I expect 5 years minimum in jail, maybe more.

What did I do wrong keeps coming up for me. What could I have done different. He was with me the night before when we went to Yankee stadium for a game. I did not even get a picture of him and me. I kick myself now. He’ll be much older looking when he gets out.

My heart has been ripped from me. He was the good one. The kid who did not get into trouble. He just got his license back in January. After over a year without it. He folowed the rules and did not drive, unlike his sister who has a few OUS on top of her DUIs. I drove him to classes, to work, to doctors. I think I am also pissed off at him. How could he do that. How could he drive drunk again. My heart is ripped out and standing raw on the side.

I suppose the tears will come for a long time now. At odd times. In the middle of other things. I pray he is not charged, but I know in my heart it will happen.

So I die a bit more every day.