Currently Browsing: just thinking

the october cry

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 11 7th, 2011 | No Comments

that storm. the one that left many in the dark, still now 10 days for some. big storm for october. the leaves were still on the trees for unknown reasons. and they still are. it is not supposed to snow 12 inches in an afternoon, in CT, in October.

when i drove up to Granby to get my parents rescued from the cold and dark, i did not expect what i saw. no, not devastation like what you’d see after maybe the Joplin tornado. There was no major loss of life in the storm (yes after from fires and CO2 poisoning a few died) and there were no homes crushed or broken, maybe a few holes in roofs here and there. but i was holding my hand to my mouth once i got north of Colchester. the broken limbs started to scare me. ducking in my driver’s seat to avoid the branches, yeah, while in my car. it kept getting worse and worse. it looked like someone with dull scissors cut branches off the unsuspecting trees. and it was continuously getting worse the farther north i drove.

got off of I-91, and it was even more eerie.

wires hanging all over. limbs hanging in the wires. everywhere. not just here and there. at times there was a stretch of maybe a half mile that it seemed every tree had a broken limb, hanging in the wires. smaller bushy trees look like someone stepped in their middle and broke all the branches right from the trunk. so ugly and so brutal, something that a human could not do.

I have always in my adult life, loved trees, i always say my ideal job would be growing trees, caring for them. I had my hand to my mouth the entire time, driving on rt whatever going to meadowbrook. weaving in and out of downed wires, with plenty of other gawkers. it was sad. it was something i had never seen before. i have this connection to trees, and all the time i was seeing this destruction i had an odd feeling. I told mom and dad to pack up lots of stuff, that it would be at least a week before they could come home. they did not believe me. as we drove out, they saw themselves.

when i went up there again the next day, monday, with dad, i had the same feeling. and on wednesday. finally when i was home thursday, it hit me. i could feel the trees crying, in pain and in sadness. I knew why i could not take pics. i did not want to ever see that pain again.

when we went up on saturday, i could feel some trees gasping their last breath. many will be felled, and many will not recover for years. there is this big push to cut down trees that are even remotely close to power lines. that would be the stupidest thing ever, trees give us our lifeblood, oxygen. they give us shade from the ever increasing heat of the sun. they give us the joy of children on a swing on a lazy summer afternoon. if they chop down the trees, would it be any different than chopping down the rainforest trees in south america that the do-gooders from these fancy rich towns that were affected the most, protest in cocktail party conversations? i think not. yeah, you have to manage the trees you have, maintain them. if you cut one down for whatever, you really should plant another one, either close to where you chopped, or in a place that needs some trees.

steve was always talking about love. love of what you do, love of design, love of people. his death brought some things back to me, things that i have been looking for, seeking some answers as to what went awry in my life to move so far from my core principles. this storm brought more insights and maybe no answers, but for sure, some things to look at. my brief meditations while on the camp, did some good.

and i now know the sound of tree tears.

Ok so maybe i should actually post words?

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 05 5th, 2011 | No Comments

Just because the photos i post to posterous come here also, does that mean i don’t write amymore? Yeah. It is work to write. And I am so scattered in my focus. So will i try to post more here? Maybe.
Sitting watching my eggs boil so i can make a spinach salad for dinner tonight. The pup is outside, sitting on the porch waiting to come in, but she can sit there for a bit. Just like a kid, she needs to be outside in the fresh air. I had a good client meeting yesterday, they like the first concept, which is the one i liked best too. So, now to build it out. Have concepts to get done for another client this week too. So, i repurpose the one that was not accepted. Easy peasy. Color change, swap logo, put their photos into the design, bingo… No wasted effort. Then do a second one. Get the VFW site done also by weekend. Then… Maybe be able to go take a day off and do some snapping. I have a few ideas on photos i want. And i have to finish painting the bedroom. That has been put off for two years now. Might be time.
So… Let’s see if i can write more. At least once a week. Huh?

in a weird place

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 08 4th, 2010 | No Comments

Don’t know quite how to explain this. I should be sad that my son is still in jail, and will be for a few years. that alone is so very depressing. But I am not sad. I am in a way, meh. Not sad, yes sad for him and sad for me not having my son being able to live his life as a young man should. But he did make the decision to drive drunk, and he pays the consequences. Glad that it is not more years. It’s going to be tough going to see him all the time, making sure he stays in contact with life and his family, but I am going to have to do that. I guess moving out west is out of the picture for now. maybe that is a good thing. But I am not depressed like I was only a few weeks ago. Lauren gets out in a month, and I will have her to talk to. and to help me get thru things. I only pray that it is “no-drama” life from now on. However, with her, I doubt it. I also doubt very much that she will be able to stay sober. she ramps herself up too much and says fuck it and will go off again. If she goes off, she goes back to jail for two years. and I will not visit her.
I’m in a weird place. not sad, yet not really happy. apprehensive? maybe. parents are getting to that age, that I have got to start thinking of not only taking care of them more, but of them passing soon. I am sure that mom will go before dad, she is not well and does not want to get better. so frustrating trying to get her to get up and move around instead of sitting and sitting. She has never been active, and so I guess it does not change. I have no idea how she walked to work all those years to Trinity. Even in the winter. no idea. I wasn’t around so I don’t know if she got rides or what. The laws of inertia apply to her big time.
so, I work, at doing nothing. I have a site that is way overdue, but I cannot come up with a design for them. nothing. it totally escapes me. Oh well. yeah, I figured out my place.

meh

drivin and smilin

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 07 25th, 2010 | No Comments

Thursday I saw Jed. He was doing very good. He also looked much better and more mature. Maybe he just grew up. Anyway, he told me he had gotten his prison papers and that his early release date is Nov 2012. 50% of his sentence. That made me feel so good. I am not going to count on it, but he can apply for an early release on that date. he seemed pretty up-beat too. He said his heartburn went away finally. and oh yeah, next visit may be a contact visit from now on. That is the best news ever. We had a very good hour. and I was smiling all the way home. I got home and said, wow, how did I get here? it went that fast. I did do some checking and most likely he will not get out in 2012, but probably the year after, especially if he does alot of work there. So he is already starting. Wants me to find out how much more he needs at college for his associates. and he will work towards getting his degree while in jail. That made me feel good too. Lauren is on that track as well. So maybe I can have some peace once she is out and he is out. Peace in my life, that is all I want.

And with that, my goal right now… lose another 20lbs. Do it by riding my bike. Goal of loss and riding? a bike tour. Maybe a short 3 day one, in Maine, next September. Yeah. Camping. We’ll see. Just have to get on the bike first. Oh yeah.

And, so… life is getting better. uh-huh.

simple things

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 06 17th, 2010 | No Comments

I went to see Jed yesterday. We had a special visit since it included Chris, and she had to get special permission/clearance to do it. When we checked in, and I got the slip back to go in, instead of the usual non-contact stamp on it, the box for contact was checked off. I started shaking and wondering if this was going to be revoked. Was I really going to get to actually hug my son. We went in, and waited, and Jed was in the side hall, and he was confused too, he usually has to go upstairs to the booths, but instead had to go thru a different door. And then I got to hug him. We both had a tear in our eyes, but I was not going to break down.
We had a good visit, since it was a special one, it was 2 hours. and then I got to hug him again. I expect next time I see him it will be back to non-contact, talking over the phone thing. But this was such a special visit. I miss hugging my son. It is the small simple things that mean the most in life. A hug, a kiss, a brush on the shoulder, a hand hold. And when these things are taken away, you then realize how much they mean in your life, how these things are what it is all about. I just want to be able to hug my son every time I see him. Simple.

hi ho hi ho

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 04 1st, 2010 | No Comments

So I go to take Daryl to see lauren this afternoon. See sign that traffic is one lane between exit 75 and 71. Great, we have to get off on exit 72. Yup, right as 395 hits 95 which is at exit 75, backed up. But… Take exit 75 like many others and go in backway. The jam was there too, but at least when I get to 6landers I can slide down back roads. As we are in jam, it sure does look like 95 is moving. Crap. So I go into Niantic,backroad to cut out town part, get to York. No visits, only protective custody. Fine, great, wonder, wasted all that gas. Wonderful. Get back on 95, yup, other side is clean and green.

Do I even need to mention that I am frustrated?

mobile blogging

Posted by zenfishing in blog and blog some more, just thinking on 03 31st, 2010 | No Comments

So my twitter buddie Mo, tweets that this here worpress app for the bberry is good. So I am trying it out. I can post to posterous and it goes everywhere, well, not to buzz but that is fine, but sometimes I just want to post to my good old friend here. So now I can I hope. And write all my quick random thoughts as the day passes. Yay me.

my tweets this week: 2010-01-24

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 01 24th, 2010 | No Comments

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Happy Birthday Jed

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 01 19th, 2010 | No Comments

Last year I wrote you a birthday post. You never read it I know. But it came from my heart. Maybe I had some sort of premonition that the year would bring about this fucked up scenario. Or maybe I just needed to yell to the world that you are and have been the light of my life. You will always be the light.
I wish I could hold you, I wish I could text you today saying happy birthday, and have you come over for your birthday meal. I wish I could just stop crying. I am not sure I am going to make it through today. I knew the holidays would be ok, there are others that I can be with. But today. today is the day I have feared, and it is gripping my throat right now. I want to scream and cry that you are a good person. Why did this have to happen to you. Why could I not have driven you home that night. Why could I not have taken your place. I hurt so much for you Jed. I want to take your pain away. I want someone or something to take mine away. I am just so scared of the next few months. Am I going to be able to handle the court, the sentencing, the making the rest of your life a hell on earth. I know you still blame yourself for Rex’s murder. I know you never mourned that loss. I know that for some reason, you have been on that edge for many years, that drinking pulled you back from it, temporarily. I was reading your MySpace page once, and I was very taken back by your writing there. It scared me. But I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. all my being. I want you to be whole again. I want you to be out of that hell you are in, both in body and mind.
You be good Jed.
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my tweets this week: 2010-01-17

Posted by zenfishing in just thinking on 01 17th, 2010 | No Comments

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