in a weird place

Don’t know quite how to explain this. I should be sad that my son is still in jail, and will be for a few years. that alone is so very depressing. But I am not sad. I am in a way, meh. Not sad, yes sad for him and sad for me not having my son being able to live his life as a young man should. But he did make the decision to drive drunk, and he pays the consequences. Glad that it is not more years. It’s going to be tough going to see him all the time, making sure he stays in contact with life and his family, but I am going to have to do that. I guess moving out west is out of the picture for now. maybe that is a good thing. But I am not depressed like I was only a few weeks ago. Lauren gets out in a month, and I will have her to talk to. and to help me get thru things. I only pray that it is “no-drama” life from now on. However, with her, I doubt it. I also doubt very much that she will be able to stay sober. she ramps herself up too much and says fuck it and will go off again. If she goes off, she goes back to jail for two years. and I will not visit her.
I’m in a weird place. not sad, yet not really happy. apprehensive? maybe. parents are getting to that age, that I have got to start thinking of not only taking care of them more, but of them passing soon. I am sure that mom will go before dad, she is not well and does not want to get better. so frustrating trying to get her to get up and move around instead of sitting and sitting. She has never been active, and so I guess it does not change. I have no idea how she walked to work all those years to Trinity. Even in the winter. no idea. I wasn’t around so I don’t know if she got rides or what. The laws of inertia apply to her big time.
so, I work, at doing nothing. I have a site that is way overdue, but I cannot come up with a design for them. nothing. it totally escapes me. Oh well. yeah, I figured out my place.

meh

drivin and smilin

Thursday I saw Jed. He was doing very good. He also looked much better and more mature. Maybe he just grew up. Anyway, he told me he had gotten his prison papers and that his early release date is Nov 2012. 50% of his sentence. That made me feel so good. I am not going to count on it, but he can apply for an early release on that date. he seemed pretty up-beat too. He said his heartburn went away finally. and oh yeah, next visit may be a contact visit from now on. That is the best news ever. We had a very good hour. and I was smiling all the way home. I got home and said, wow, how did I get here? it went that fast. I did do some checking and most likely he will not get out in 2012, but probably the year after, especially if he does alot of work there. So he is already starting. Wants me to find out how much more he needs at college for his associates. and he will work towards getting his degree while in jail. That made me feel good too. Lauren is on that track as well. So maybe I can have some peace once she is out and he is out. Peace in my life, that is all I want.

And with that, my goal right now… lose another 20lbs. Do it by riding my bike. Goal of loss and riding? a bike tour. Maybe a short 3 day one, in Maine, next September. Yeah. Camping. We’ll see. Just have to get on the bike first. Oh yeah.

And, so… life is getting better. uh-huh.

simple things

I went to see Jed yesterday. We had a special visit since it included Chris, and she had to get special permission/clearance to do it. When we checked in, and I got the slip back to go in, instead of the usual non-contact stamp on it, the box for contact was checked off. I started shaking and wondering if this was going to be revoked. Was I really going to get to actually hug my son. We went in, and waited, and Jed was in the side hall, and he was confused too, he usually has to go upstairs to the booths, but instead had to go thru a different door. And then I got to hug him. We both had a tear in our eyes, but I was not going to break down.
We had a good visit, since it was a special one, it was 2 hours. and then I got to hug him again. I expect next time I see him it will be back to non-contact, talking over the phone thing. But this was such a special visit. I miss hugging my son. It is the small simple things that mean the most in life. A hug, a kiss, a brush on the shoulder, a hand hold. And when these things are taken away, you then realize how much they mean in your life, how these things are what it is all about. I just want to be able to hug my son every time I see him. Simple.

hi ho hi ho

So I go to take Daryl to see lauren this afternoon. See sign that traffic is one lane between exit 75 and 71. Great, we have to get off on exit 72. Yup, right as 395 hits 95 which is at exit 75, backed up. But… Take exit 75 like many others and go in backway. The jam was there too, but at least when I get to 6landers I can slide down back roads. As we are in jam, it sure does look like 95 is moving. Crap. So I go into Niantic,backroad to cut out town part, get to York. No visits, only protective custody. Fine, great, wonder, wasted all that gas. Wonderful. Get back on 95, yup, other side is clean and green.

Do I even need to mention that I am frustrated?

mobile blogging

So my twitter buddie Mo, tweets that this here worpress app for the bberry is good. So I am trying it out. I can post to posterous and it goes everywhere, well, not to buzz but that is fine, but sometimes I just want to post to my good old friend here. So now I can I hope. And write all my quick random thoughts as the day passes. Yay me.

my tweets this week: 2010-01-24

• ohmy! can the Jets actually do this? my my my. @garyvee must be crazy excited. #
• awesome Jets #
• @KeithBurtis yup, Toast http://bit.ly/4S7sIm in reply to KeithBurtis #
• Happy Birthday Jed. You are the light of my life. #
• don't let them say your hair's too long… #
• Hey, welcome to Twitter Mr. Gates! @BillGates #
• @mw55 aww Mike, sorry to hear that. On to bigger things though! in reply to mw55 #
• @MarcPerel good luck! in reply to MarcPerel #
• @brassblogs what you gonna buy? in reply to brassblogs #
• @brassblogs aahhhh good. in reply to brassblogs #
• crap, #skype is acting all weird, down, can't find me, won't connect, disconnects, not found. I have a voicemail that I NEED to listen to! #
• Feeling adventurous. Booked one way trip in May out to Denver. Headed to Steamboat. Drive back with sis ? No set date to come back. #
• RT @zoonini: Yes! SO wish I could opt out of seeing foursquare status updates! RT @ncbeets: you #foursquare tweet, i #unfollow you. #
• @copyblogger Waiting for the break of day in reply to copyblogger #
• @naominiles What, you CAN'T???? and you call yourself a designer? hrrrummpphhh in reply to naominiles #
• @copyblogger staring blindly into space in reply to copyblogger #
• Later Conan. Thanks, #
• ya know the feeling when you empty your trash on computer, and it takes a long time, cuz it has alot in it? "what did I delete?" #
• watching 3 squirrels chase each other around the spruce tree while drinking my coffee and doing some quick work #
• excitement http://post.ly/KE9R #

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Happy Birthday Jed

Last year I wrote you a birthday post. You never read it I know. But it came from my heart. Maybe I had some sort of premonition that the year would bring about this fucked up scenario. Or maybe I just needed to yell to the world that you are and have been the light of my life. You will always be the light.
I wish I could hold you, I wish I could text you today saying happy birthday, and have you come over for your birthday meal. I wish I could just stop crying. I am not sure I am going to make it through today. I knew the holidays would be ok, there are others that I can be with. But today. today is the day I have feared, and it is gripping my throat right now. I want to scream and cry that you are a good person. Why did this have to happen to you. Why could I not have driven you home that night. Why could I not have taken your place. I hurt so much for you Jed. I want to take your pain away. I want someone or something to take mine away. I am just so scared of the next few months. Am I going to be able to handle the court, the sentencing, the making the rest of your life a hell on earth. I know you still blame yourself for Rex’s murder. I know you never mourned that loss. I know that for some reason, you have been on that edge for many years, that drinking pulled you back from it, temporarily. I was reading your MySpace page once, and I was very taken back by your writing there. It scared me. But I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. all my being. I want you to be whole again. I want you to be out of that hell you are in, both in body and mind.
You be good Jed.

my tweets this week: 2010-01-17

• @drewm I switched. #activeCollab is great. Different than Basecamp, but same features. A bit of a learning curve, but support is GREAT. in reply to drewm #
• Should we be surprised about McGuire? I mean, c'mon! It was so obvious even then! Next is Sosa, he needs to fess up, and then Bonds #sadday #
• RT @stevethegreat: 225+ Free Adobe Illustrator Patterns http://bit.ly/7c8zBh #
• @IndieBusiness Lacrosse is a true American sport. It will get him very fit. http://bit.ly/4GBCJW in reply to IndieBusiness #
• @IndieBusiness 6 is too young for any contact sport! in reply to IndieBusiness #
• just want to say @garyvee is a true, authentic, promise-keeping man. Respect has gone over the top for him & his brand. THANK YOU @garyvee #
• @KeithBurtis I can give you some from my checklist if you need some fill-in in reply to KeithBurtis #
• @mosaeus ahhh yes. I have a separate biz account for "those" types. LOL in reply to mosaeus #
• prop me up by the jukebox if I die. I wanna go to heaven, but I don't wanna go tonight. #
• @rbazinet right here: http://bit.ly/60dV4G in reply to rbazinet #
• @rbazinet I don't need one. I have two clients using it for their gateway and merchant acct. Used to have 2 more use it. in reply to rbazinet #
• Can I possibly be any more scattered today? Geesh. Flit flit flit flit. Maybe I need a nap? #
• RT @capesnbabes: What are people THINKING??? Dumbest tatoo ever? http://is.gd/6k0JN #
• I have a print design job that just came in. Oh goody goody. one small page advert. a new avenue I have decided to go down. Biz expansion #
• @Stranahan that was my US rep, Courtney. He's like you said, caught in the middle. Agree with you 100% Lee. I feel like I have been scammed in reply to Stranahan #
• @Stranahan eastern CT – Norwich to be specific in reply to Stranahan #
• RT @LaFemCreative: Awesome! RT @kwbridge: Pants on the Ground Remix http://bit.ly/7EWufG #
• @Stranahan it was pretty clear. I expected choppy and blurry. Skype does a good job! in reply to Stranahan #
• @Stranahan hey, give a report on how it works. Had caller on my radio show this morning ask about it, any good etc. in reply to Stranahan #
• RT @mosaeus: "Some people choose ignorance because knowledge requires effort." – Moms in reply to mosaeus #
• RT @mosaeus: You can lead someone to knowledge but you can't make him think. in reply to mosaeus #
• @mosaeus both of them were good. Declare a tie and kiss her for me. in reply to mosaeus #
• Every once in a while someone follows you from out of the blue, and you look at their profile and say "looks interesting". And they ARE! #
• @carapeterson no, not had any notes. I'll do one and try. Geesh, one more thing to break this week! in reply to carapeterson #
• @carapeterson must be you, I was able to upload two things. Too big filesize maybe? in reply to carapeterson #

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my tweets this week: 2010-01-10

• who replaced my Giants with the local losing high school team? This is painful to watch. #
• @Kenny_Wallace Being a Giants fan, I wish Favre would retire right now! in reply to Kenny_Wallace #
• @IndieBusiness you are very welcome. in reply to IndieBusiness #
• RT @dailydesigning: Daily Design New Post: Green Leafs http://bit.ly/7LFzxq #
• @naominiles You too? Sick on Sat-Sun, I was OK yesterday, but back to crappyness today. I have too much work to be sick! in reply to naominiles #
• My dog ate two eggrolls this morning that had been on coffee table from dinner. He is now a huge fart. Seriously sounds like a motorboat. #
• wah wah. Some people should just shut the fuck up and actually DO something instead of expecting others to do for them. #
• @jonathanfields so true. If more lived with this guidepost, it would be such a different place. One person at a time… in reply to jonathanfields #
• @naominiles feels good to get that done eh? I am working on an EE site and I am not a programmer type, but it is working OK. Thesis, blech. in reply to naominiles #

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incognito?

using the new google chrome browser for the Mac. It finally came out. It has nice themes, and one little thing that I had not noticed on the PC version, probably because it feels clumsy to use on the PC. The “new Incognito Window” . This is what it said when I opened up a new window this way

You’ve gone incognito. Pages you view in this window won’t appear in your browser history or search history, and they won’t leave other traces, like cookies, on your computer after you close the incognito window. Any files you download or bookmarks you create will be preserved, however.Going incognito doesn’t affect the behavior of other people, servers, or software. Be wary of:

 

• Websites that collect or share information about you
• Internet service providers or employers that track the pages you visit
• Malicious software that tracks your keystrokes in exchange for free smileys
• Surveillance by secret agents
• People standing behind you

Really weird eh? I am posting to posterous from that incognito window.

I feel so, so, invisible?