the past few months of his life, due to his not being able to get up the stairs, i had to leave him downstairs in the first floor office. At night I would often think if he was lonely, and sometimes go back downstairs to check on him and give him one last jaunt outside for the night. I was in the kitchen last night, looking outside, and wondered if he was lonely, then remembered he was no longer there. Then this morning as I got up, bedroom is right above office. I would always be quiet since if I made alot of shuffling, he would hear, and get excited. Getting excited for him in the last few months, meant he started to pee. and not in one place, he walked around. Used to happen upstairs here on the carpet, the “trails” everywhere. If I made alot of noise, I would have to go downstairs right away, before getting dressed, and let him out. Yes, in the cold of winter I often had to run downstairs and let him out in a bathrobe. Just so he did not pee on the hardwood and carpet downstairs. Do I miss doing that? The getting out of bed and immediately running downstairs to let him out? Not really. Yes, in a way. Oh, I don’t know. I am still so sad.

I can’t really write all that much now, I am still crying. We had to put Pounder to sleep today. Vet said it was time. That protrusion on his ass was a tumor. It suddenly appeared I think it was in November. He had been pooping with difficulty for a bit, especially after he refused to eat dog food anymore this summer. He’d walk around pooping as he went. I guess the tumor was blocking him. And the indignity of having to have us wipe his butt every time I know bothered him. Mike took him in. I had brought him upstairs for a bit before that, to eat and be there. I knew he was not going to come home, even though that was not planned. He had run around like a little puppy, tossing his bone, and even eating a couple biscuits. But it was time. I washed his face, he had weepy eyes, and kissed him, I knew he was taking his last car ride. I can’t stop crying. he was my buddy, friend, confidant. He sat by my side when I spent a week crying after Jed’s accident. He always was happy to see me. Even this morning, when I went downstairs, he got up slowly and was smiling at me saying “hi mom good morning, I gotta go pee.”

damn. When is all of this pain going to stop? when?

kids, dog, parents. I want it to stop.
Now I have to tell the kids.

• ohmy! can the Jets actually do this? my my my. @garyvee must be crazy excited. #
• awesome Jets #
• @KeithBurtis yup, Toast http://bit.ly/4S7sIm in reply to KeithBurtis #
• Happy Birthday Jed. You are the light of my life. #
• don't let them say your hair's too long… #
• Hey, welcome to Twitter Mr. Gates! @BillGates #
• @mw55 aww Mike, sorry to hear that. On to bigger things though! in reply to mw55 #
• @MarcPerel good luck! in reply to MarcPerel #
• @brassblogs what you gonna buy? in reply to brassblogs #
• @brassblogs aahhhh good. in reply to brassblogs #
• crap, #skype is acting all weird, down, can't find me, won't connect, disconnects, not found. I have a voicemail that I NEED to listen to! #
• Feeling adventurous. Booked one way trip in May out to Denver. Headed to Steamboat. Drive back with sis ? No set date to come back. #
• RT @zoonini: Yes! SO wish I could opt out of seeing foursquare status updates! RT @ncbeets: you #foursquare tweet, i #unfollow you. #
• @copyblogger Waiting for the break of day in reply to copyblogger #
• @naominiles What, you CAN'T???? and you call yourself a designer? hrrrummpphhh in reply to naominiles #
• @copyblogger staring blindly into space in reply to copyblogger #
• Later Conan. Thanks, #
• ya know the feeling when you empty your trash on computer, and it takes a long time, cuz it has alot in it? "what did I delete?" #
• watching 3 squirrels chase each other around the spruce tree while drinking my coffee and doing some quick work #
• excitement http://post.ly/KE9R #

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Last year I wrote you a birthday post. You never read it I know. But it came from my heart. Maybe I had some sort of premonition that the year would bring about this fucked up scenario. Or maybe I just needed to yell to the world that you are and have been the light of my life. You will always be the light.
I wish I could hold you, I wish I could text you today saying happy birthday, and have you come over for your birthday meal. I wish I could just stop crying. I am not sure I am going to make it through today. I knew the holidays would be ok, there are others that I can be with. But today. today is the day I have feared, and it is gripping my throat right now. I want to scream and cry that you are a good person. Why did this have to happen to you. Why could I not have driven you home that night. Why could I not have taken your place. I hurt so much for you Jed. I want to take your pain away. I want someone or something to take mine away. I am just so scared of the next few months. Am I going to be able to handle the court, the sentencing, the making the rest of your life a hell on earth. I know you still blame yourself for Rex’s murder. I know you never mourned that loss. I know that for some reason, you have been on that edge for many years, that drinking pulled you back from it, temporarily. I was reading your MySpace page once, and I was very taken back by your writing there. It scared me. But I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. all my being. I want you to be whole again. I want you to be out of that hell you are in, both in body and mind.
You be good Jed.

• @drewm I switched. #activeCollab is great. Different than Basecamp, but same features. A bit of a learning curve, but support is GREAT. in reply to drewm #
• Should we be surprised about McGuire? I mean, c'mon! It was so obvious even then! Next is Sosa, he needs to fess up, and then Bonds #sadday #
• RT @stevethegreat: 225+ Free Adobe Illustrator Patterns http://bit.ly/7c8zBh #
• @IndieBusiness Lacrosse is a true American sport. It will get him very fit. http://bit.ly/4GBCJW in reply to IndieBusiness #
• @IndieBusiness 6 is too young for any contact sport! in reply to IndieBusiness #
• just want to say @garyvee is a true, authentic, promise-keeping man. Respect has gone over the top for him & his brand. THANK YOU @garyvee #
• @KeithBurtis I can give you some from my checklist if you need some fill-in in reply to KeithBurtis #
• @mosaeus ahhh yes. I have a separate biz account for "those" types. LOL in reply to mosaeus #
• prop me up by the jukebox if I die. I wanna go to heaven, but I don't wanna go tonight. #
• @rbazinet right here: http://bit.ly/60dV4G in reply to rbazinet #
• @rbazinet I don't need one. I have two clients using it for their gateway and merchant acct. Used to have 2 more use it. in reply to rbazinet #
• Can I possibly be any more scattered today? Geesh. Flit flit flit flit. Maybe I need a nap? #
• RT @capesnbabes: What are people THINKING??? Dumbest tatoo ever? http://is.gd/6k0JN #
• I have a print design job that just came in. Oh goody goody. one small page advert. a new avenue I have decided to go down. Biz expansion #
• @Stranahan that was my US rep, Courtney. He's like you said, caught in the middle. Agree with you 100% Lee. I feel like I have been scammed in reply to Stranahan #
• @Stranahan eastern CT – Norwich to be specific in reply to Stranahan #
• RT @LaFemCreative: Awesome! RT @kwbridge: Pants on the Ground Remix http://bit.ly/7EWufG #
• @Stranahan it was pretty clear. I expected choppy and blurry. Skype does a good job! in reply to Stranahan #
• @Stranahan hey, give a report on how it works. Had caller on my radio show this morning ask about it, any good etc. in reply to Stranahan #
• RT @mosaeus: "Some people choose ignorance because knowledge requires effort." – Moms in reply to mosaeus #
• RT @mosaeus: You can lead someone to knowledge but you can't make him think. in reply to mosaeus #
• @mosaeus both of them were good. Declare a tie and kiss her for me. in reply to mosaeus #
• Every once in a while someone follows you from out of the blue, and you look at their profile and say "looks interesting". And they ARE! #
• @carapeterson no, not had any notes. I'll do one and try. Geesh, one more thing to break this week! in reply to carapeterson #
• @carapeterson must be you, I was able to upload two things. Too big filesize maybe? in reply to carapeterson #

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• who replaced my Giants with the local losing high school team? This is painful to watch. #
• @Kenny_Wallace Being a Giants fan, I wish Favre would retire right now! in reply to Kenny_Wallace #
• @IndieBusiness you are very welcome. in reply to IndieBusiness #
• RT @dailydesigning: Daily Design New Post: Green Leafs http://bit.ly/7LFzxq #
• @naominiles You too? Sick on Sat-Sun, I was OK yesterday, but back to crappyness today. I have too much work to be sick! in reply to naominiles #
• My dog ate two eggrolls this morning that had been on coffee table from dinner. He is now a huge fart. Seriously sounds like a motorboat. #
• wah wah. Some people should just shut the fuck up and actually DO something instead of expecting others to do for them. #
• @jonathanfields so true. If more lived with this guidepost, it would be such a different place. One person at a time… in reply to jonathanfields #
• @naominiles feels good to get that done eh? I am working on an EE site and I am not a programmer type, but it is working OK. Thesis, blech. in reply to naominiles #

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not really

Lauren is adjusting, her calls go from a rant on how horrible everything is (well, it is prison, what did she expect? La-la land?) to being OK. Monday she called, and i listened to 14 minutes of her non-stop bitching, and one minute of “oh I am sorry, how are you, well I am hating this” . Then on Wednesday she called again and a totally different person and conversation. But enough time writing on the emotional drain that my DD can be.

Jed was moved to a new block, and he was able to call last night. He is doing much better, has a roomie that is cleaner and does not snore. He gets a better rec time, and the people in the block are more “normal” and not basket cases like the intensive care he was in. He sounded so much better.

His case took a turn last month, there is “new” evidence and I am not sure what happened, but it may very well get the charges dropped. His lawyer seems to think that after the tests which are the new evidence, is in, he may get lower charges. Anything please lord. Jed has said from the start, even the day when he called about the accident, that the other car ran the light. He now does not even remember that being said to me, but I remember it clearly. Chances are that is very true. If it is, next year he may be home. If it is not true, then it will be probably another 9 years before he is home. Which sucks but it is what we are all prepared for. I am not getting my hopes up, but it does sound good. Can’t go into it specifically, but, maybe there is a god after all. And that he does let truth and justice prevail. But I deep down doubt it. I can pray for a million things, but I never ever believe that anything will change on this.

I only ask one question a lot. What the fuck did I do to deserve this crap? Jed is a good person. Yeah, I know it is an age old question, why do bad things happen to good people. the bible thumpers think that by praying about it, it can change. It ain’t going to fucking change things. If praying does change things, I’ll fucking become religious. Chances of that…. 0.

anyway. rant over.
Lord, if you are truly a just, omnipotent ruler of the world, Jed does not deserve to be in jail, it was not his fault totally. The other driver was drunk too and has to shoulder his part of the blame. He was no saint. There were also drugs in his system. Not in Jed’s, he does not do drugs of any sort. So let’s get this evidence thing cleared. Feb 3rd is next court. I need some rest from this. Please.