a july sunday

Went to one of Mike’s old friend’s annual party today. Avoided going last year, due to CO trip. Year before I was “ill”. Just usually do not like hanging around a patio, with NO ONE I know. I’m not one to make small talk with people I do not know. Especially now. and probably for a year after the sentencing. I did do some socializing, I was proud of myself for what I did. But I felt very uncomfortable when subject came to kids. Most of the young adults were Jed’s age, and they have families already. grand babies. what do I have? 2 kids in fucking jail. One for being stupid and driving drunk and getting into n accident. That I have to pay for with my life.
When I got home, I just quickly laid down in bed, looked out the window and it looked beautiful outside. I wondered when Jed would be able to just be able to sit and look out a window again. Without razorwire, without bars. My heart so much aches for him. It wasn’t all his fault. If the other driver had been sober, it probably would not have happened at all. I feel like I was in that car. More than a year later, I am crying. I cannot snap out of this. Maybe it will get better when I can visit him in a more normal jail. Maybe when Lauren is out of jail and able to just help me get through all of this. I don’t know. I am getting more and more depressed. Not only about all of this, but with business and the lack of. the scraping by every month to barely make it. I don’t want to continue to live like this. it is getting really old.
I do have a few things that I am going to try to snap out of my funk. I realized last month that I was not doing things that used to make me happy. Bike riding, photography, fishing. the three passions I have in life. So the first thing I am going to do is to gather all my photo stuff, the years of pictures, the equipment etc, all in one place and sort thru it and re-kindle the passion. Meanwhile I hope to be able to spare some gas every week to take my bike to the forest and do a ride. Maybe twice a week. We’ll see. I set a goal of when I get to 170lbs I’ll start shopping for a new road bike. Meantime I ride the trek, and see if I can trick out the track bike with some cheap parts. gotta see if I can somehow find Roy and see if I can get some parts off of him. we’ll see… never know.
So, yeah. sometime this week I have to go up to Granby. I am going to have to go up more often. that sucks too. yeah they are my parents. but it is so hard to just sit there. listen to them fight with each other, above the blaring TV. I so much want them to just move from there. they are so isolated. but anyway… time to sort a bag full of photos. have to find my Chinon camera also. it is proving to be elusive.
yeah.