strange emptiness

the past few months of his life, due to his not being able to get up the stairs, i had to leave him downstairs in the first floor office. At night I would often think if he was lonely, and sometimes go back downstairs to check on him and give him one last jaunt outside for the night. I was in the kitchen last night, looking outside, and wondered if he was lonely, then remembered he was no longer there. Then this morning as I got up, bedroom is right above office. I would always be quiet since if I made alot of shuffling, he would hear, and get excited. Getting excited for him in the last few months, meant he started to pee. and not in one place, he walked around. Used to happen upstairs here on the carpet, the “trails” everywhere. If I made alot of noise, I would have to go downstairs right away, before getting dressed, and let him out. Yes, in the cold of winter I often had to run downstairs and let him out in a bathrobe. Just so he did not pee on the hardwood and carpet downstairs. Do I miss doing that? The getting out of bed and immediately running downstairs to let him out? Not really. Yes, in a way. Oh, I don’t know. I am still so sad.