Happy Birthday Jed

Last year I wrote you a birthday post. You never read it I know. But it came from my heart. Maybe I had some sort of premonition that the year would bring about this fucked up scenario. Or maybe I just needed to yell to the world that you are and have been the light of my life. You will always be the light.
I wish I could hold you, I wish I could text you today saying happy birthday, and have you come over for your birthday meal. I wish I could just stop crying. I am not sure I am going to make it through today. I knew the holidays would be ok, there are others that I can be with. But today. today is the day I have feared, and it is gripping my throat right now. I want to scream and cry that you are a good person. Why did this have to happen to you. Why could I not have driven you home that night. Why could I not have taken your place. I hurt so much for you Jed. I want to take your pain away. I want someone or something to take mine away. I am just so scared of the next few months. Am I going to be able to handle the court, the sentencing, the making the rest of your life a hell on earth. I know you still blame yourself for Rex’s murder. I know you never mourned that loss. I know that for some reason, you have been on that edge for many years, that drinking pulled you back from it, temporarily. I was reading your MySpace page once, and I was very taken back by your writing there. It scared me. But I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. all my being. I want you to be whole again. I want you to be out of that hell you are in, both in body and mind.
You be good Jed.