tears and farts

Sitting in the office, getting a bunch of tedious type work done. Dog is back down here with me. Farting. So lovely.

I cried alot yesterday. I got overwhelmed with everything that has been going on for, oh, perhaps the past year. With Jed in jail perhaps for 5 years, I have this hole in my heart. I cannot touch him, hug him. With Lauren and her drinking, and now going to jail for 9 months, it is another hole. and the shame, the shame of having two grwon adult children, neither who are criminals, in jail like criminals. Why? they have a drinking problem, inheritied from their father, and for that I thank him every day with a robust fuck you frank. Yeah. They could not see the problem. They could not see their similarity to thier father and his problem. No, it would not happen to them. well, the worst thing possible happened to Jed. He killed two people. Yeah. He KILLED two people and for that I am so ashamed and so mortified and so sorry that I ever even met Frank. Now we have to deal with this for the rest of OUR lives as well as knowing that there are two other families who suffer even more by not having their son and daughter with them anymore. And I am not dealing with it at all well. So now I need to go spend money on getting some counselling since I am fuckng tired of crying all the time. I want to get back to my life thank you. But NOOOOOOOO my stupid drunk children make me suffer through dealing with their choices. And yes, it is their CHOICE to drink. They know the facts, they know what is a bit and what is too much, yet they cannot make the right choice. I guess I fucking failed them as a monther. Oh well, too fucking bad. wah wah. but still I have to deal with the fact that Jed is a killer and Lauren is a nasty drunk. She will never sober. Jed might, but Lauren likes the attention. So she will never sober up. She’ll die from it, probably way too early. And then again, I have more crap to deal with. She got drunk last night and I was up until 3am. I am telling her that she cannot come back to this house after she gets out of jail. Period. She can go make someone else suffer. Time for her to grow the fuck up.