Sitting in the office, getting a bunch of tedious type work done. Dog is back down here with me. Farting. So lovely.

I cried alot yesterday. I got overwhelmed with everything that has been going on for, oh, perhaps the past year. With Jed in jail perhaps for 5 years, I have this hole in my heart. I cannot touch him, hug him. With Lauren and her drinking, and now going to jail for 9 months, it is another hole. and the shame, the shame of having two grwon adult children, neither who are criminals, in jail like criminals. Why? they have a drinking problem, inheritied from their father, and for that I thank him every day with a robust fuck you frank. Yeah. They could not see the problem. They could not see their similarity to thier father and his problem. No, it would not happen to them. well, the worst thing possible happened to Jed. He killed two people. Yeah. He KILLED two people and for that I am so ashamed and so mortified and so sorry that I ever even met Frank. Now we have to deal with this for the rest of OUR lives as well as knowing that there are two other families who suffer even more by not having their son and daughter with them anymore. And I am not dealing with it at all well. So now I need to go spend money on getting some counselling since I am fuckng tired of crying all the time. I want to get back to my life thank you. But NOOOOOOOO my stupid drunk children make me suffer through dealing with their choices. And yes, it is their CHOICE to drink. They know the facts, they know what is a bit and what is too much, yet they cannot make the right choice. I guess I fucking failed them as a monther. Oh well, too fucking bad. wah wah. but still I have to deal with the fact that Jed is a killer and Lauren is a nasty drunk. She will never sober. Jed might, but Lauren likes the attention. So she will never sober up. She’ll die from it, probably way too early. And then again, I have more crap to deal with. She got drunk last night and I was up until 3am. I am telling her that she cannot come back to this house after she gets out of jail. Period. She can go make someone else suffer. Time for her to grow the fuck up.

After the emotions of ted kennedy’s funeral stuff yesterday, the week’s emotions of mom and dad, of Lauren, and finally for me a coming to grips with Jed’s reality that it is going to probably be a long time before I can even get a picture of him let alone a hug from him, today already seems like it will be a void of any feeling day. Of course it is pretty early still, drama queen has not woken, if she is even here. But I feel totally spent. In a few days Lauren will be off to jail, and I can have a rest from that drama, no more yelling on the phone tirades at whomever, no more walking on eggshells so she did not turn that tirade towards me, no more worry if she is going to go off on a drunk. It will be like a vacation. Hell, I may even find my sanity somewhere. So I will sit here and enjoy the rest of the morning, yeah, enjoy is not quite the word. Endure? Well Mike is in NJ, so no enduring him. Endure me? Yah.
On the road, somewhere.
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Posted via email from zenfishing’s envisionages of delightful thoughts and sorrowful realities or how I learned to love my film camera once again.

Looking at accuweather this morning, on my Macbook. There was a popup
and it was like one of those Mac top of page popups asking yes or no
on something. I clicked no. it went to a page where this fake scan of
my PC was run. and it told me I was infected. and needed to protect my
PC with thier product. and it fucking hijacked my browser. Fortunately
i was in a tab I could close, but it was fucking annoying and moreso
that it was on a site that I go to often. Bad enuf that they have the
popp-under adverts. But this was a deal breaker. Took off accuweather
and now will be annoyed by weather underground. Yeah i am a weather
freek, gotta get my dose every few hours. sigh… they used to be so
damned good.

Posted via email from zenfishing’s envisionages of delightful thoughts and sorrowful realities or how I learned to love my film camera once again.

Not really a dessert person. But thought I’d tease someone with this pic. Way too sweet for me!
 
 
 
Donna
On The Road:KidoImages
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Posted via email from zenfishing’s envisionages of delightful thoughts and sorrowful realities or how I learned to love my film camera once again.

This lil one was alongside the road in Mohegan park when I came thru this afternoon, on my way home from seeing Jed. Just munching away, oblivious to me being right next to him. The mom was a bit back behind me, I did not see her when I passed, but she showed her face when she saw her baby being “confronted”. Probably the same fawn I saw last week. Smaller than the one that camps in my “field” of a back yard.
Donna
On The Road:KidoImages
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Posted via email from zenfishing’s envisionages of delightful thoughts and sorrowful realities or how I learned to love my film camera once again.

Yeah, I know you want to know. well, nothing but miles of fucking
corn. and soybeans. and corn. and soybeans. and whatever else they
grow. I learned one thing, that AMP orange stuff is good. No, learned
more things. That driving for more than 4 hours with an elderly person
or two, is wicked tiring. That having the foresight to get a
blackberry with unlimited data is good. That having a GPS is real
good. That franchise food sucks. Well, except for Denny’s breakfast.
That Lake Erie is HUGE. That the midwest really sucks. That west of
the mississippi is OK and really not that bad. East of the river is
the midwest and it sucks. Really sucks. That Pennsylvania still does
not clear dead deer from the highway. That PA is actually pretty in
parts. That NY state is highly underrated. And that I’d do the trip
again in a heartbeat. cranky old farts included. I’d just insist on
going slower, and on getting my own room.

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