how life can change in the blink of an eye

I was going to start a new blog just for the change in my life, but decided that this blog has been around for so long, it fit here.

My life was changed by my son on May 24. He drank, got into his truck and like so many times before, was driving home. Except this time he did not make it home. Another car ran a red light or so he says, and he hit it. Two people died, the other driver was one of them. So now my son sits in Garner correctional institute. A mental health jail. Despondant over the accident. Not yet accused of 2 counts of vehicular manslaughter. Investigation has not concluded. However, it looks like they will bring the charges when he goes back to court June 30. He has the very best DUI lawyer out there. Costing his father 35K.

Those are the facts.

It comes and goes, the crying the pain, the hurt, the sorrow. The “why my baby”. He is a good person. He would not intentionally hurt a fly. I pray to god every night that they find that the other driver was intoxicated as well, thus no final blame. But Jed will always blame himself. He is that type of person. It has already changed his entire life, and not for the better. He will no longer be the same person. If he is not charged, it will be at least a year before he is out of jail. If he is charged and a deal is reached, I expect 5 years minimum in jail, maybe more.

What did I do wrong keeps coming up for me. What could I have done different. He was with me the night before when we went to Yankee stadium for a game. I did not even get a picture of him and me. I kick myself now. He’ll be much older looking when he gets out.

My heart has been ripped from me. He was the good one. The kid who did not get into trouble. He just got his license back in January. After over a year without it. He folowed the rules and did not drive, unlike his sister who has a few OUS on top of her DUIs. I drove him to classes, to work, to doctors. I think I am also pissed off at him. How could he do that. How could he drive drunk again. My heart is ripped out and standing raw on the side.

I suppose the tears will come for a long time now. At odd times. In the middle of other things. I pray he is not charged, but I know in my heart it will happen.

So I die a bit more every day.