His case has been continued until August 4th. Jed was there in the court for under 5 minutes. He has his “little” beard and his hair at it’s proper length, short short short. He looked around when he was taken out, he was still in shackles. That part hurts. But when he looked around he nodded and half smiled and waved the best he could. His aunts were there, Claire, Jude, Kathy, and his cousin KC, friends Shane and Bob. dad and me. He looked much better than last time, but then again last time I was in a fog still. shit would have looked good.
This morning I had a call from the corrections dept. I have been “approved” for visitation. fucking finally. I have no idea what took them so long, 5 fucking weeks to approve someone who has never been arrested in her life, to see her son, who has only been charged with DUI. Assholes. So tomorrow I will head out to where ever he is at, and visit my son.
God I miss him so much. It still comes in waves, the crying the resentment the anger the wondering what I did wrong to deserve this. I am wondering if it will ever end. Yes, he is alive, and two people are not, and I cannot imagine their grief if I feel this way for my son. It is so horrible to even go to that place. Jed is still alive, although he will never be whole again. He’ll never be the person he was, and there is nothing that I can do to change that, to make it better, to put a bandaid on it and kiss the boo-boo. I feel so powerless. If I had known the sorrow that children can bring, I would have declined. Yes they can bring great joy, but the sorrow is so much more real.
Next is Lauren’s court stuff and her deal. I am not wanting to go thru that also. Man, when do I get time for ME?

Since I am making my posterous blog my “travel” blog” for this trip, I moved this post over here.

when working in the “other world” I could sleep in on Saturdays. Well, after the kids were grown a bit. But since late 2000, there is no more sleeping in. That is when I became a solopreneur working from home and my own boss. Working on Saturdays often entails the email reading, blog catchup and design work. Like the 3 comps I have to come up with today. It looks like it will be a nice early spring day today (technically it is still winter) so I’ll be tempted to go out and do some yardwork, or clean the inside of the car, or just sit and enjoy the sun and birds and the few clumps of new grass. But, working for myself and having to hustle much more in this down economy, I won’t be able to do that.

So before you go saying that working for yourself is all fun and games, “must be nice to work in your PJ’s”, think again. It is nice and I doubt I could ever go back to working for someone else, but working for yourself means working hours and hours and weekends and weekdays and weeknights. Unless you want to be poor, it is how it is. Luckily I LOVE what I do, so it is not all that bad.

And as for working in my PJ’s… I learned a long time ago, that if I did not treat working from home for myself as a real job, getting showered and dressed and “commute” to work every day, I would stay in PJ mode and not make any money. I happen to like to pay my bills on time and buy new pretty computers, so, I get dressed for work each day. I also set “office” hours, even though people seem to ignore them by calling after hours, or on weekends. With client emails, unless they are earth-shattering important, I don’t reply to them until Mondays, although I may reply to them immediately, and hold on to them as drafts, so that I can capture my gut thoughts on them, and refine them. It seems that more and more people, the late adoptors especially, want you to IMMEDIATELY respond to their needs. Where as once these people could barely use email, they now want you to sit in front of your computer and wait for their email in order to respond immediately. I have a few clients like that, and it’s hard to wean them from that instant gratification. I mean, a web site is NOT LIFE OR DEATH, and no one is going to die if I wait until Monday to reply to your inane question. But I ramble here. It’s just that today, I had a number of clients email me early this morning and already, it is barely 10am, two have emailed me again asking if I got their email from 7 or 8 am. I mean GEEZUSFREAKINCHIRST. None of the requests or questions are important, and I’ll get to them when I can. Now, just for the “lesson” they are not getting a reply until Monday. Period. They can cool their freakin jets.

it’s tough. I used to be able to text Jed and “talk” to him. Can’t do that now.
it’s tough. Lauren and him have not gone more than a few days without talking, even when they are pissed at each other. She misses hi fiercely. She graduated from OIC Friday night. He could not see it. Yet, he has not been charged with anything but DUI and that bail is usually 10,000 and we would have him bailed out by now. He may never be charged with anything more. But his bail sits at 500,000.
Absurd.
He is not going anywhere, he is not going to go out and do anything like this again, yet he is being held with the bond of a murderer, when all he had was an accident. They ran a blinking red light. That means stop. Like a stop sign. Wait until it is clear to go. They didn’t. Girl in back seat who was killed, was half naked. Jed has to sit in a jail as a top level criminal. His bail is not something that we can afford ever. It hurts. it hurts so deep. I think of him constantly. every second I wonder what he is doing, if he is OK, if he is getting along with others. He was put out into general population on friday or saturday. He’ll be moved back here soon, for his next trial date in 2 weeks. It hurts. I write him every day. even if I have nothing to say, I find something. it hurts.

but not as much as it will hurt when Lauren goes to jail. It’s different with her. She knowingly drove after drinking and without a license. got caught again on Monday. she got out with no bail, the cops felt sorry for her. they know her that well. she was stupid and drunk. and stupid. in a few months I’ll have more letters to write and more visits to make to a jail. This is even more hurtful.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I am a good person. I have not harmed a soul ever. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. This so totally sucks. So much.

I was going to start a new blog just for the change in my life, but decided that this blog has been around for so long, it fit here.

My life was changed by my son on May 24. He drank, got into his truck and like so many times before, was driving home. Except this time he did not make it home. Another car ran a red light or so he says, and he hit it. Two people died, the other driver was one of them. So now my son sits in Garner correctional institute. A mental health jail. Despondant over the accident. Not yet accused of 2 counts of vehicular manslaughter. Investigation has not concluded. However, it looks like they will bring the charges when he goes back to court June 30. He has the very best DUI lawyer out there. Costing his father 35K.

Those are the facts.

It comes and goes, the crying the pain, the hurt, the sorrow. The “why my baby”. He is a good person. He would not intentionally hurt a fly. I pray to god every night that they find that the other driver was intoxicated as well, thus no final blame. But Jed will always blame himself. He is that type of person. It has already changed his entire life, and not for the better. He will no longer be the same person. If he is not charged, it will be at least a year before he is out of jail. If he is charged and a deal is reached, I expect 5 years minimum in jail, maybe more.

What did I do wrong keeps coming up for me. What could I have done different. He was with me the night before when we went to Yankee stadium for a game. I did not even get a picture of him and me. I kick myself now. He’ll be much older looking when he gets out.

My heart has been ripped from me. He was the good one. The kid who did not get into trouble. He just got his license back in January. After over a year without it. He folowed the rules and did not drive, unlike his sister who has a few OUS on top of her DUIs. I drove him to classes, to work, to doctors. I think I am also pissed off at him. How could he do that. How could he drive drunk again. My heart is ripped out and standing raw on the side.

I suppose the tears will come for a long time now. At odd times. In the middle of other things. I pray he is not charged, but I know in my heart it will happen.

So I die a bit more every day.

but being a bit depressed, so not posting. financially it has been very rough, with a vampire sucking my limited funds dry, but I will not go into that one, it will be resoved this week and then it will never happen again. oh ok.

Anyway,

yup. March 2nd and there is new snow on the ground. sucks

but no. 27 years ago. at this hour, i was in a hospital and in labor. waiting on my doctor since i was scheduled to have c-section for my son. he was born around 5:30. he has always been my baby. never any trouble for me, never any sass, tantrums, yelling. unlike his older sibling. I miss having him around, but to be honest he has noy been around since he was 16. he lived with his dad during high school. closer to school he could walk, not have to ride the bus. he still hugs and kisses me every time he comes over. and if I don’t give him a kiss, he waits until I do. sweet kid. love him dearly. happy birthday Jed.

like it is any different? it is only a demarkation of time passing. nothing new except the last digit.
grumpy i am

tired of chasing jobs, tired of chasing money. maybe it is time to go to a different job. just plain tired, it is not fun anymore.