Jun 30 2009
a day in the life of me: today was court for jed
His case has been continued until August 4th. Jed was there in the court for under 5 minutes. He has his “little” beard and his hair at it’s proper length, short short short. He looked around when he was taken out, he was still in shackles. That part hurts. But when he looked around he nodded and half smiled and waved the best he could. His aunts were there, Claire, Jude, Kathy, and his cousin KC, friends Shane and Bob. dad and me. He looked much better than last time, but then again last time I was in a fog still. shit would have looked good.
This morning I had a call from the corrections dept. I have been “approved” for visitation. fucking finally. I have no idea what took them so long, 5 fucking weeks to approve someone who has never been arrested in her life, to see her son, who has only been charged with DUI. Assholes. So tomorrow I will head out to where ever he is at, and visit my son.
God I miss him so much. It still comes in waves, the crying the resentment the anger the wondering what I did wrong to deserve this. I am wondering if it will ever end. Yes, he is alive, and two people are not, and I cannot imagine their grief if I feel this way for my son. It is so horrible to even go to that place. Jed is still alive, although he will never be whole again. He’ll never be the person he was, and there is nothing that I can do to change that, to make it better, to put a bandaid on it and kiss the boo-boo. I feel so powerless. If I had known the sorrow that children can bring, I would have declined. Yes they can bring great joy, but the sorrow is so much more real.
Next is Lauren’s court stuff and her deal. I am not wanting to go thru that also. Man, when do I get time for ME?

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